Belatedly coming out...

(since it's an opportunity to say stuff I don't normally.)

There's some stuff that it's second nature for me to be out about. Being queer, for instance, was really odd to hide, in Hungary to Eva, in part because I hadn't done that since partway through high school. Not that I've specifically come out to, say, any of my Dad's family, but I do feel they must be getting the picture. And I'm certainly not pretending to have boyfriends (or, okay, hiding the girlfriends and showing the boyfriends.)

But there's a lot more that I'm slow to come out about, or only come out about in certain contexts. I'm a bit worried that by so openly being in queer relationships I make it seem like this wouldn't be true. But it is, of course. I'm theoretically out as trans to many more people than I feel like I'm *really* out to; *really* being out is such a process, involves so much talk and requires openness from the other person too, an effort to see me how I see myself and not fall back on what is comfortable. And involves from me trust that the other person is willing to go there with me, doesn't actually resent spending so much time on stuff that may not interest them except as part of me, and how interesting am I?

I'm only very vaguely out as non monogamous to my parents, and not at all at school here. This, of course, owes something to the nebulous nature of things with applecorebrain, but not everything.

I'm not really very out as a participant in the cycle of abuse; in abusive relationships, and it makes me nervous to write this here, but it's relevant. More so, for me, than whether or not I'm out about being kinky-- a much bigger part of my life, I suppose.

Most significantly, maybe, or anyway the cause of the most fuss in my head, is my practice of not being out about who I'm attracted to. Which is, on the whole, my friends. I know, of course, why I'm not out about that-- it's a rare occasion when telling a friend I find them attractive isn't awkward, and sometimes the awkwardness lasts and then I feel bad. But I don't know. It feels deceitful, too, to pretend it's not there. I'll do a half-assed job and say "I've been noticeably, thinking-about-it-ly attracted to about half of the (distinct) people on my friends list whom I've actually met. Slightly more." So, you know, there's that possibility, even if I've never actually embarrassed you by saying it. (And, yes, I find it incredibly frustrating that it seems the default is for saying it to be awkward; that if the attraction isn't mutual or can't be acted upon it ought, somehow, not to exist. And I've been guilty of that practice too, but it hurts the happy loving parts of people and that makes me sad.)