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February 24th, 2009

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009 12:51 am
So, since I talked to Mike I've been working on not trying to get rid of my feelings. Which, obviously, is smart. I sometimes need talking out of the plan of Being Perfectly Rational, which is funny, because the plan of Being Perfectly Rational is really far from being one I could act on. I have feelings! They are not likely to go away any time soon.

So, I've been trying not to fight with my feelings, and that's fine, and I even remembered again that I like some of these feelings. I would choose to have them, if it were a choice. I would choose to care about people. That is a good and helpful thing. I would choose to love them.

It freaks me out that these are the kinds of feelings I get all conflicted about, caring-about-people feelings. Because these are the feelings which I tend to think have a moral content, and that content is pretty much always good. Yeah, I sometimes do dumb and even bad things and feel like they're connected to caring about people, but usually (always?) they're more connected to feeling insecure and depressed. And the caring should be possible without the doing stupid things.

But, anyway, these are frequently the kinds of feelings I get conflicted about, and I'm kind of pissed off about that. Only I'm not sure who or what to be pissed off at.

So that's been percolating, and then I wrote contra boy one of those emails that you really should not send. And didn't send it, deleted it and sent a much more casual email. Which I'm still worried about having sent. Plus I'm annoyed that I didn't send the first one, because of course it said all the things I actually want to say. Feelings! I should go to sleep and pretend that will make it better. Maybe it will work.